Earth to Brain

This post will probably offend some people but I need to get this off my chest.

The environment is a big topic, which means no one can predict exactly what will happen. There are several schools of thought and each does their best to discredit the others.

Common sense dictates that whether or not you believe global warming is caused by CO2 emmissions or by natural planetary evolution, the fact is that there are a heck of a lot of people on this planet using up resources and causing polution and that's a problem.

Can we at least agree on that?

And yet, I find otherwise rational people making the most far-fetched arguments against there being any sort of problem at all. Key words seem to be communism, conspiracy and Al Gore.

A summary of the key defense against global warming being true:

'Al Gore lives in a nice house. Therefore he is an evil capitalist lying about global warming to make money. The global warming message is a Communist plot. Therefore Al Gore is a Communist.* Communists lie. Therefore global warming is a lie.'

*Maybe he's a Communist during the week and an evil capitalist on weekends.

Feel free to leave a comment disagreeing with me but please don't use the C word.

I mean, Communism.

Climate Killer Obama

Der Spiegel, Germany's answer to Time Magazine without the obsession about making articles exactly the right length to visit the toilet, is not happy with President Obama.

On Nov 16 reporter Christian Schwaegerl wrote a scathing article about Obama's betrayal of Europe and the world. Most of you won't understand the article, it being in German, but here's the gist:

1. We expected George Bush to be too busy with his fake oil war to worry about the future of the American people that is jeopardized by dependence on oil. But we expected better from President Obama, who seemed smarter.

2. Success at the December Copenhagen summit depends on US leadership. Right or wrong that's just how it is and as the world's worst energy offender the US owes the world a better showing.

3. President Obama lied to Europe. He was all, 'Climate is totally important, bladee, blah, blah' and then ended up doing jack all. Apparently internal politics like health care reform are more interesting to him than the state of the world.

4. America loves to see itself as a world leader. But not when it comes to stuff that actually matters.

5. If the rest of the world follows the US lead when it comes to fossil fuel consumption, we're all gonna die. The oceans won't just warm up a bit, they'll fry.

6. If the summit fails, the President is to blame. He may not even have time to attend the summit, although Copenhagen wasn't too far for him to drop in to lobby to have the Olympic games in Chicago.

7. There's also some uncomplimentary stuff about Americans, with our fantasy ideals about living standards and enormous cars. Not to mention our complete lack of interest in the rest of the world, although we do enjoy those end-of-the-world movies. Obviously we think Hollywood invented the climate crisis for our entertainment.

8. It's ironic that President Obama got a Nobel Peace Prize because the changing climate will probably result in a nice war or two.

Me: I don't see why the US should foot the bill for developing countries to get off oil (I'm so tired of developing countries and their whiny, 'Give me money or I'll be forced to develop nuclear weapons and chop down the rainforest,' attitudes) but I do believe the US needs to take a leadership position on climate legislation.

I'm also disappointed in President Obama's priorities. Of all the issues that need to be tackled 'Health Care for Everyone' is to my mind the least interesting, especially since the proposed legislation looks to be pretty rough for the economy. I'd be on board with, say, 'Health Care for Kids,' because I believe it takes a village, but saying that everyone has a right to health care sounds a bit like saying everyone has a right to a flat screen TV.

Given his amazing about face on the climate topic, I'm thinking the President sold out the climate to get his health care reform passed. Which, if true, pisses me off.

Thoughts? Comments?

My Dear Wattson

Remember the Wattson we bought last April to measure our energy consumption? It just paid for itself six times over.

Ralf was getting tense. He'd checked and double-checked every single appliance in our home and couldn't figure out why we were consuming about 30% more energy than we should have been, according to Wattson. Which adds up to about 600 euro a year.

But why? Was there a problem with the meter? Vanishingly unlikely and expensive to verify. Was it our expensive new heating system that has not been without difficulties? Everyone had assured us this was not possible.

Finally, Ralf took Wattson down to the fuse box in the basement and turned everything off, one by one, as the Wattson readings dropped modestly. The very last fuse was the magic fuse that explained the delta between what we should have been using and what we were actually using.

It was labeled: Dachrinnenheizung.

You will never believe what that is. It is an electric heater installed in the rain gutters on the roof to keep them from freezing. It's on all winter. It's like having a space heater on all the time.

We turned it off.

I am a chauvinist

I got an email from the Environmental Defense Fund this morning thanking me (and about 10,000 other people) for calling my Senators about the Murkowski amendment to the EPA appropriations bill.

What I didn't realize when I called my Senators is that Senator Murkowski's first name is Lisa. For some reason this really bothered me. I figured anyone who wants to weaken the EPA must be an overweight white Republican male from Arkansas who plays golf with former GM executives.

Sorry, Arkansas, I know you produced some of the most liberal thinkers of our time but I seem to be prejudiced as well as chauvinist. It's just that it's been years (decades, even) since geography class and when I try to think of a Southern state I always come with Arkansas.

Senator Murkowski actually is from Arkansas. And Republican. Presumably white, weight unknown. But definitely female unless she's a transvestite or something. Probably not, though, since she's a Republican in public office.

I'm not proud of my chauvinistic assumptions. Well, OK, I sometimes am. But I realize that women are as unlikely to recognize the environmental challenges we face as men.

Intellectually, that is. In my gut I expect women to know better. And it's not because I think women are better or smarter, but because women are the gatherers, the nurturers, the more future-minded. We worry about what kind of world our children will inherit and we guard their well-being more jealously than our own. Of course men do this too but it's different.

Remember that episode of the Brady Bunch where they go camping and the boys don't catch any fish but it's OK because the girls brought a picnic? That's what I'm talking about. The boys intended to catch dinner so they didn't bother with a back up plan. The girls knew better.

BTW, speaking of Republican men, who DID shoot JR??

Who do you trust?

Everyone's been asking me when I'm going to do another environmental rant.

Actually, no one has technically asked me this. But there are pictures below so stay with me.

Yesterday the Environmental Defense Fund asked me to call my Senators to protest the Murkowski amendments to the Clean Air Act being debated.

I called - and I hope you will, too - but that's not what this post is about.

Basically the amendment wants to let oil companies off the hook. There's a video you can watch here to learn more. The girl in the video kind of looks like Sarah Michelle Geller.

But anyway. There's a lot of media hype out there and it gets confusing so let's make it real simple:

Laura's Easy Two-Step Program to Navigating the Environmental Debate:

First of all, ask yourself: WHICH IS MORE LIKELY?

Option 1: Our planet is endowed with finite resources that are being used up as the population steadily increases. We are completely dependent on cheap energy. Increasingly scarce energy sources like oil can not remain cheap. Solar and wind power, if we invest in them now, will never dry up and we don't have to buy them from people who hate our guts. Building up renewable energy sources will also provide a new source of economic growth. If we miss this narrow window of opportunity to be collectively smarter than a slobber worm we're totally screwed.

OR:

Option 2: Exxon and other corporate executives want only what's best for you and don't need a bunch of pesky legislation to do the right thing. Seven billion people can use whatever they want, whenever they want, and it will have zero impact on our planet or our environment because God decides everything. Planetary resources that we use up are replaced by magical elves while we sleep. Environmentalism is somehow linked to abortions and same sex marriage.

So... I'm kind of leaning toward Option 1.

However, that still leaves the problem of how the heck to vote when things that sound great are secretly bad.

Let's face it, legislation is way too tricky to figure out on your own. Unless you're Lawyer Mom.

So, the second step is to ask yourself: WHO DO YOU TRUST?

I mean, more?

These guys:

Or these guys:

See? Easy peasy. Suddenly it all becomes clear.

Oh, and if you too would like to call your Senators and chat with a staffer who sounds about 17, click here to look up the numbers.

She Strikes Again

Nothing says thank you like a roaring kitchen fire in summer, right? It wasn't even my fault, the parchment paper I was using to bake french fries inexplicably burst into flame in the oven. This would have been a good time to flood the kitchen to put out the fire, but sadly, the two events were discrete.

Fortunately for our friends, we're moving out this weekend to new digs and new appliances.

This is just a quick post because I'm busy designing the last word in compensation solutions but I wanted to share a few observations I've made in sunny CA.

1. Solar Panels - Where the hell are they??? The sun shines 362 days a year here, people!

2. It's freezing - Except in my car and outside I'm generally freezing my butt off. Should I really be wearing a thick Lululemon sport jacket in high summer, chic and fashionable as it may be? Is it normal to send my kids to school in jeans and long-sleeved shirts in July so they won't catch cold indoors? Am I turning German?

3. Hang the DJ - I'd forgotten how much I dislike chatty Northern Californian DJs, who seem to view playing music as a regretable but necessary interruption of their own eloquence. Get a blog!

4. Whole Foods - I love you. I can't afford you, but I love you.

5. Trader Joe's - I don't love you quite as much as Whole Foods, but I do love you.

The Tipping Point

Can anyone guess what this is? It's a graph. At first glance it looks like something increased gradually for a while then suddenly increased a lot, right?

Interestingly enough, the rate of change used to generate this graph was completely constant. I used 5%, a modest increase, and I started with the number 1, a pretty small number. Until the x-axis reaches about 76 you don't really notice much change then suddently between 76 and 96 things get crazy.

Weird, huh? Who'da thunk increasing the number 1 by 5% a few times would do that? Besides trained statisticians, that is.

I leave it to your imagination what that 5% represents. Spread of AIDs? Population growth? Health insurance costs? In the context of green energy legislation, it could represent global warming or how much energy is required to maintain a certain standard of living for a fixed percentage of the world's growing population.

And that's just if you start with number 1. The results are even more dramatic if you start with a less lonely number.

The House passed the renewable energy bill yesterday. I am pleased about this. Of course, it still has to get through the Senate and then I think it has to go back to Committee or something (I'm trying to remember from that 'I'm Just a Bill' song in Schoolhouse Rock but it was never my favorite) and then we'll see. There are some valid objections to this bill, and other objections that are pure fabrication, but I look at this graph and know it's time to make a change.

If any of you made a call yesterday, or faxed, or emailed your Representatives, or even spent a moment in contemplative silence wondering about the future, thanks.

See you in the future.

Make the right call

I just called my representative and left a voicemail. I said that I'm a voter and want to urge support for sustainable green legislation. I added that it's not just about green or job creation, it's about how our entire economy and way of life is dependent on surplus energy. And oil as a cheap and readily available form of energy is running out.

Now's the time to break our complete dependence on an increasingly scarce resource. Consider calling today before the big vote. If they vote against investing in sustainable green energy we'll pay the price for it not that far down the road, probably in our lifetimes, definitely in our kids'.

If you don't believe me, do not call your Representative and we'll all just hope I'm wrong. If you do believe, even a little bit, please click here and make a phone call. It's your duty as an American, a voter, a parent, a global citizen and an adult.

(Not to lay it on too thick or anything.)

Not to worry

Domestically Challenged asked me to write about a conspiracy. As you know, I live to oblige so here it is. Er, sort of. It might be more of a rant.

In previous posts I have invited you to take action to save our environment, so you probably figure I’m some sort of tree hugger in it for the polar bears.

I like polar bears just fine and give money to organizations that try to save endangered species but that's about it. Frankly, I like chickens better. Even though Sara assures me they would immediately poop on our tracter seats if we had a tracter, I am strangely drawn to them.

But there’s another reason I’m so passionate about getting us off petroleum products and onto sustainable energy. A reason that may resonate more strongly with people who think polar bears and clean air and water suck.

Dum dum DUM!!! (That's supposed to be ominous music.)

Our way of life depends on it.

Consider this:

1. Each of us uses an incredible amount of energy in every aspect of our lives. We live like kings of old with the equivalent of thousands of servants that wash our clothes and dishes, light our homes, procure and prepare our food, entertain our children, convey us to our social engagements, and enable us to send and receive communications. Factories require unimaginable amounts of energy to produce cars, toys, household products and plastic water bottles, and then even more energy is used getting these things to places where we can buy them. Just think for a moment about how much ‘easy energy’ we all take for granted.

2. Most of our energy needs are met by oil and/or petroleum products. This both creates pollution (did you know it leaks into our groundwater?) and makes us vulnerable to oil rich countries that loathe and detest us but these are minor details. Here's the kicker: We’re running out of oil. Sure, there's still quite a bit there but within about a generation it’s going to require more energy to get at the remaining oil than we get back.

3. Now imagine a world where energy is not readily available. I don’t just mean that nothing happens when you flick a light switch and you have to hang your laundry to dry, that’s small potatoes. Think about the economic implications of scarce energy. No more rock concerts. No more enormous factories producing plastic junk. No more truck bringing the plastic junk to you and me. No more supermarkets. No more bottled water. OK, you say, we can live without rock concerts and plastic junk. But who's gonna pay you if you have some job like ‘rock concert organizer' or 'fund manager' or ‘HR Director’ for a big manufacturing company? And where will you buy food, water, clothes and plastic junk if easy energy goes away?

4. Then there's inflation. In order to solve the financial crisis and provide affordable health care to children (yay!) and overweight smokers (boo!) our government is planning to print a whopping pile of money that isn't backed by anything except debt. If energy becomes scarce or hideously expensive the production of goods will necessarily slow down a bit, because producing all the crap we buy eats up monstrous amounts of energy. So, we will either have more money in circulation trying to buy fewer goods (INFLATION) or we will revert to the equivalent of slave labor to replace the energy, which could mean less inflation but is much worse than inflation. Either way, expect inflation and possibly indentured servitude.

5. The good news is that there is more than enough solar power to meet our energy needs, not to mention create a lot of new jobs. But it will take a big, expensive, coordinated effort over many years and we need to start now to avoid the crisis later. To put the costs into perspective, Germany's planning a major solar project in Africa for about half of what Al Gore says it would cost the US to follow suit, so the money's there. And at the end of it, we would have something real that produces both energy and livelihoods, instead of just pumping it into toxic financial instruments, where it mysteriously vanishes, or oil companies, who will increasingly have a stranglehold over all our lives.

I'm just saying.

The situation's bad but there's hope if we take this opportunity to start acting like responsible global citizens. A few simple things you can do without a total lifestyle change: Consume less. Don't eat so much meat. Try to do with less energy. Don't buy bottled water - the FDA doesn't check it very carefully so it's a good idea for health reasons, too, unless you like cancer. Send $10 to Sierra Club and skim their excellent magazine, which is full of great information and tips. Register online at wecansolveit.org, which is Al Gore's organization, and sign the petition to repower America. Sign up with the Environmental Defense Fund and get notified about upcoming bills that impact clean energy and petitions you can sign to remind Congress that this matters. Buy some wind credits to help alternative energy providers out.

You can also try praying but God gave us this beautiful world to shepherd, not ravage, and is probably pretty pissed at us right now.

Finally, the smart money's on doing things that make you less dependent on the system, like getting solar panels and starting a garden. You'll be pleased to hear that we'll be starting ours just as soon as we've resolved the duck question.

And our backup plan is to go live with Sara.

The gift for someone who has everything

Conservation International is a highly ranked organization protecting species and habitats. In fact CI has been ranked as one of the 10 best charities anyone has ever heard of.

According to CI, every 4 hours an area the size of Manhattan is burned down for grazing animals, releasing more carbon than we all emit driving SUVs.

It reminds me of that horrible scene in Lord of the Rings where Saruman turns his gorgeous tree-lined grounds into a fiery pit from Hell so he can build a goblin factory. There's even a memorable quote: 'The old world will burn in the fires of industry.' Heavy. But at least he wanted to take over the world, we just do it so we can eat more hamburgers.

Clearing rainforests is responsible for about 20% of carbon emmissions. Funnily enough, with that uncanny symmetry you sometimes find with important numbers, the rain forests are also reponsible for producing 20% of our oxygen.

When I read stuff like this I fear that we are fated to go the way of the dodo bird, which was too stupid to survive. Actually that's not quite fair since there's some controversy about whether the dodo was stupid or just unlucky. When it comes to people, however, there's less controversy.

The good news is that we can all help protect a global resource that helps keep us alive by buying an acre or two of rainforest. If we own it, they can't burn it down and put cows on it.

Protect an acre!

You get a lovely certificate of purchase, which makes a great gift for that person who has everything. It also makes a fine hostess gift - for example, Ralf and I are taking one to a barbeque this afternoon.

(Yes I see the irony.)

PS I think all our friends can guess what they're getting for Christmas this year.

The End of the World, etc.

Ralf writes a blog for the company we work for, which is perhaps why he avoids interesting topics such as kids, fashion, food, etc., and focuses on environmental issues, mainly green initiatives within our own company but also broader global topics. I sometimes borrow or steal topics from him although he never reciprocates. Today is one of those days.

This is from Ralf's blog:

Congressmen Henry Waxman and Ed Markey have submitted a draft of the American Clean Energy and Security Act 2009. This bill aims to cut U.S. greenhouse-gas emissions by 83% compared to 2005 levels by 2050. This legislation will be the most important mechanism to avoid a severe climate crisis in the next 30-50 years. Whatever is going to happen in Congress this year will set the tone for the UN climate conference in Copenhagen in December this year, driving responses from China, India and all other countries. You can follow discussions in the Sierra Club life blog named "broken record".

Now back to me:

It's very simple: If you look at the difference between Venus and the Earth, as Al Gore does in his 'Inconvenient Truth' presentation, you will notice that Venus' atmosphere is thick with carbon gas and it's about 855 degress there. If you're thinking Venus is so much hotter because it's closer to the sun than Earth, think again: Venus is three times hotter than Mercury, which is right next to the Sun. It's the carbon gas.

I think 855 degress is a little scarier than a couple of depressed polar bears sitting on melting ice. Of course, we probably won't get that hot. Maybe we'll only hit, like 280 degrees or something like that. And by then the problem will have taken care of itself so no worries.

Oh, and now it turns out that the studies sponsored by oil interests claiming that global warming is controversial were lying outright. I know, it's shocking. No one saw that coming at all.

Anyway, given that the world may be ending, why do I still get distracted by ads for Angelina Jolie's anti-wrinkle secrets? What's the matter with me???

Like, it's such a big secret, anyway. She's what, 33?

Sorry. You were asking what you can do to help that doesn't require much effort on your part and I interrupted you to babble about moisturizing creams.

Here are a couple of petitions you can sign that will be forwarded to your Congresspeople based on your zip code. Mine always get forwarded to California-based democrats with a history of supporting environmental legislation so it probably doesn't help much but if you're in Marsha Blackburn's district I urge you to sign.

http://www.repoweramerica.org/action/earth-day.

http://action.edf.org/campaign/Waxman_Markey_alert

Postscript: I'm sure Marsha had everyone's long-term best interests in mind when she tried to imply that Al Gore only wants to save the world just so he can recoup his investments in alternative energy.

Other things you can do, courtesy of http://www.learningfundamentals.com.au/.

15 minutes of fame

As I predicted I made it into the Environmental Defense Fund video - don't blink or you'll miss me. Sadly it's not a very compelling video (except my cameo, of course) but who knows, it could be the start of a big video career for me.





Also there's a quick petition you can sign to remind Congress that these next few weeks matter. This is our chance to either pass legislation that makes a difference or lose our window. All the technology's there to live greener lives with little inconvenience to ourselves, we just need the stakeholders of the old technology to get the heck out of the way.

Legislation is the most effective way to make that happen.

The alternative is to do nothing. And we know how that's gonna end.

Please sign here: http://www.repoweramerica.org/action/earth-day.

Kristina you are excused because I know you are working hard to destroy the earth with lethal humor but everyone else please sign.

Some Like It Hot

Our house was built in the 80's and after almost three decades of hard use - not all by us - we decided to replace the heating system. It was still working just fine but some technical standards had changed that would cost several thousand euros to meet so we decided to have a new heating system installed last September.

Over time we hope to get off the energy grid altogether, with solar panels and possibly geothermic energy, which Munich is now investing heavily in. Ralf researched heating systems pretty thoroughly and we ended up buying an efficient, top-of-the-line heating system that also has adapters for these alternative sources of energy.

I won't tell you how much it cost because money is so vulgar but let me just say that between the heating and the AMT tax we had to pay last year we didn't have much spare cash for quite a while.

The new heating system was installed and working before we came home. It is a proud example of German engineering, which means it will probably run forever but I have no clue how to adjust the temperature in our house and am therefore completely reliant on Ralf, who barely understands it himself and likes it cold.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that on more than one occassion this winter he told me he turned up the heat when in fact he just went down to the basement and came back up again.

And now let me just say that the guy who installed our heating is a fine specimen of Bavarian manhood. He looks like a cross between the Greek god Apollo and Juergen Prochnow, who played the cool, blue-eyed captain in Das Boot. His shoulders look like they're going to burst out of his shirtsleeves and he speaks with a thick Bavarian accent that reminds one of hard physical labor. This is the man you want around when your cow is giving birth.

Unfortunately he is not the man you want around when you need to install a new heating system.

We discovered the first problems early on when winter set in. First of all, we couldn't figure out how to make the house warm. That wasn't exactly his fault but he hadn't quite finished initializing the heating unit, either. We worked through that, more or less, but then the new heater in the attic took to banging in the night so ferociously that the entire house shook. It turned out a couple of pipes had been installed wrong, which got fixed in pretty short order.

Then the heater kept turning itself off due to some mysterious internal error code that requires a special handheld device to read. After much time on the phone with the installer and supplier it turned out that there was some air escaping somewhere, blah, blah, blah and the chimney would need to be re-installed or yada, yada, yada. Since this sort of work can't be done in winter the guy from the supplier adjusted the heater to a less efficient setting to tide us over. It wasn't ideal and certainly not the point of buying an ultra-efficient heater but at least we were warm again.

Then we got our Wattson, which indicated out that when the heater first turned on in the morning it was consuming an outrageous amount of energy.

Now that it's spring again the heating guy - let's just call him Apollo - was here this morning to fix the chimney but concluded that there's no problem with the chimney installation that he could find so the guy from the supplier is coming to run some additional tests.

And if the guy from the supplier actually shows up and he finds nothing I guess we're back to square one until our heater starts turning off by itself again next year.

Cap it, baby!

The way I see it, nothing starts a day off on the right foot like a big picture of me. Especially a big picture of me trying to save the world, one photo of me at a time.

You, too, can help save the world by taking a picture of yourself or family members in a hat or cap or bicycle helmut to spread the message about capping carbon pollution.

Cap it - get it?

Just like some fools believe that coal emmissions are harmless because big corporations use pretty marketing pictures to tell them so, other people will finally realize that we need to cap emmissions if enough people take pictures of themselves wearing a cap.

Look at that picture - doesn't it inspire you to help save the world so that I can continue to live in it?

And if saving the world is not motivation enough, you also get a chance to be featured in the Environmental Defense Action Fund's upcoming Earth Day video.

I'm clearly going to be featured.

Here's where to go, baby: Show Us Your Carbon Cap.

And let me just add that these guys really need our help because they may be good at lobbying but clearly don't know the first thing about Internet marketing. Most of the pictures posted so far are totally lame, which is why I'M going to be in the video.

Wattson in the Homes

We have one of these.

It's gorgeous. It looks sleek and modern and intriguing. It has won design awards. We're the first kids on the block to have one.

Wattson measures the total energy output in our home. It glows with an approving blue light when the energy usage is low, which turns increasingly red as more energy is consumed.

Our kids have started turning out lights on their own in response to that subtle visual cue. They point to it and say, 'Mommy, Wattson's angry now so we have to turn some things off!'

Wattson is gently and politely changing our lives.

Green Day

Oh, wait, that’s St. Patrick’s Day. April Fools is the day when (according to Ladyfi) Swedes run around telling people they smell like fish armpits.

But speaking of green, we try to buy organic and I’ve been wondering why all the people I run into in the local health food store are either highly anemic looking or else sporting a Communist flag somewhere on their clothing.

Shouldn’t the anemic people look more healthy after eating all that healthy food? And since when do Communists care about organic produce, which is kind of bourgiousie???

The world doesn't make sense any more. Or maybe it’s just me and I’ve got a gang of anemic organic-produce-eating Communists on my trail. . .

Also speaking of green, the Environmental Defense Action Fund and WeCanSolveIt.org (Al Gore's sponsored organization) have sent out a general alert that if you were ever thinking of signing a petition or donating money to help get green legislation passed, now's THE critical time to act.

Postscript: Whether you're bothered by global warming or not, there's just no way that burning coal and belching that smoke out into the air we breath is a good thing or that continuing to rely on oil is a viable long-term strategy. The coal and petroleum coalitions are spending a lot to influence policy to continue doing just that and (in case anyone is wondering where I stand on this) I am planning to send money this week to the organizations that are trying to stop them.

Is it just me?

Is it just me or does the new US economic stimulus package involve a pretty high national debt? It's probably better to stimulate the economy with style than to waste money and accomplish nothing by doing it on the cheap, but whoa. Does anyone still think any of us are going to see any social security when we retire?

Is it just me or is sending troops to Afghanistan kind of scary? After reading Three Cups of Tea I'm thinking it's probably where we should have been in the first place, but. . . 20,000 troups against the Taliban in the vast cave-riddled countryside of Afghanistan? Can you say, 'Vietnam?'

Is it just me or do you LOVE Obama for bitch slapping the Republican members of Congress when they protested the high price tag of the economic stimulus bill? I think the price tag is pretty high, too, but after eight years of shameful waste on war and looking the other way while business leaders gambled away our economic viability I don't want to hear it from any lame ass Republicans. No offense.

Mind you, bogus hedge funds and war and war machines create a certain amount of economic activity but only as long as no one examines the funds too closely and the war lasts, ergo, not much of a long-term economic stimulus plan unless you are in the business of financial scams and war. So I consider the last eight years to be a total write-off, economically speaking. At least Obama's stimulus package has some funds earmarked for long-term investment in clean energy so we may actually end up with something to show for all that spending.

Is it just me or do we produce an inordinate amount of waste every day? We are an average household of 4 people who recycle and try to use our purchasing power for good rather than evil and yet at the end of each day I am amazed at the amount of rubbish we produce just from consuming our groceries. Once upon a time fresh produce would be lovingly wrapped in old newspaper but since the 1940s suppliers triple package everything in single-purpose materials that can withstand the elements for thousands of years. Who says we don't build to last any more?

Is it just me or should the bank and financial house executives that screwed everything up and retired with big fat bonuses have to pay some of that money back?

And finally, is it just me or are those weanies in Congress ever going to pass any global warming laws? I'm afraid they may be exhausted from voting on the economic stimulus package and need to take expensive lakeside vacations before they can vote on anything else and the clock is ticking.

Yes, it is. Yuh huh.

Wake up call: Carbon emission rates are 35% higher than they were in 1992, when the Kyoto Protocol was signed. Projections estimate that our carbon levels will be up to three times higher by 2100 if we do nothing and while the carbon is re-absorbed in 200 years it takes 1000 years for any warming effects to reverse. If you want to write to your weanie Congress members to remind them about global warming, the Environmental Defense Fund will automatically route your email (which they also write for you, although you can tailor it) to your Congress members based on your zip code.

Just me,

honeypiehorse

Lick My Butt

Disgusting, isn't it? But it’s actually a rough translation for a fairly common German phrase ‘Leck mich am Arsch’, which means something between, ‘Bite me,’ ‘and ‘I’ll be darned.’

You can also insert the word 'doch' to add emphasis, i.e., 'Leck mich doch am Arsch!'

A mechanic said this to me today. Well, technically he was speaking to Ralf but I was there.

You see, our Volvo finally arrived from California about 2 weeks ago and has been in the shop ever since. It's a gas guzzler but it’s also a turbo all-weather family tank and an old friend. Driving it reminds me of my convenient, manicured, blond life as a California mom.

And we buy carbon offsets from Terrapass to assuage our Earth guilt.

The company that moved our Volvo to Germany, Navitrans (I won't bother adding a link), took so long to deliver the car that the battery died and some valve that holds the power steering fluid in rusted and started leaking. They also stole our GPS and our California license plates, although that’s not really germane to this story.

We took it to a Volvo dealer to investigate the blood-curdling sounds it was making when we drove it. Where the stocky, taciturn Bavarian mechanic apparently got the surprise of his life when the car switched on by itself and would not allow itself to be switched off.

This came as no surprise to us because the same thing had happened a few times in California when the locking and unlocking buttons were inadvertantly pushed in some sequence that we never figured out. The Californian Volvo mechanics could tell us nothing but we assumed it was a 'feature' to warm up the car before getting in because we bought it used from someone on the chilly East Coast.

The annoying part is that once the car switches itself on it can only be turned off manually, i.e., by getting into the car, actually starting the engine with the key, then turning it off again.

Fortunately, the only time it ever really caused a problem was one time in a parking lot when I had just gotten the kids out of the car and into the stroller. Other than that, it was an infrequent and relatively benign feature of the car.

Naturally, we named the car ‘Christine’ and thought no more about it.

But the mechanic didn’t like it. Volvos are not supposed to turn themselves on and it disturbed him. He dug around a bit in the engine then called us to complain that someone had installed some mystery cables in the engine that definitely didn’t belong there. Would we like him to remove them?

For 60 EUR an hour?? NFW.

When we picked up the car we were presented with a hefty bill (more of a William) by our Bavarian mechanic, who was unexpectedly smiling. Then, after we had a chance to silently register all the zeros, he explained that they had also stripped out that cables that didn’t belong.

Two pairs of eyes snapped automatically from the bill to his face when he said this, then back to the bill to scan for this additional charge. Ralf’s mouth opened to protest but the mechanic held up one hand and continued: They didn’t charge us for this, he explained, because it needed to be done.

Yes. Really. He said that.

It was while he was recounting his amazing tale of the spooky self-starting car and the unforgettable moment when he first discovered the crazy amateurish wiring in the engine that he used the phrase: ‘Leck mich am Arsch!’ and shook his head feelingly.

Poor guy. I mean, I ask you, who ever heard of a Volvo dealer doing free work? It must have really bugged him.

Ralf was blown away as well. Shaking his head as we walked out to the Volvo he, too, felt the need to say, 'Leck mich doch am Arsch!'

This post has been brought to you by Very Funny Friday.

A Tough Climate

Does anyone still actually believe that coal is clean or that oil will last forever? Or that building more coal burning plants and gas-guzzling cars is a long term winning strategy for the US?

If anyone does still believe this please stop reading now because you are hopeless.

As for the rest of you, here’s some mixed news from the green front:

The Good:

The California Air Resources Board (CARB) officially and unanimously approved the AB32 Scoping Plan, a blueprint which charts the course for reaching 1990 global warming emissions levels by 2020.

Seven Western states (Arizona, California, Montana, New Mexico, Oregon, Washington and Utah) and four Canadian provinces (British Columbia, Manitoba, Quebec and Ontario) have followed California's lead by pledging to cut greenhouse gas emissions as part of a Western Climate Initiative.

President Obama gets it: "...we have the opportunity now to create jobs all across this country, in all 50 states, to repower America, to redesign how we use energy, to think about how we are increasing efficiency, to make our economy stronger, make us more safe, reduce our dependence on foreign oil, and make us competitive for decades to come, even as we're saving the planet."

Germany met it’s Kyoto protocol goals 4 years early and as economies go these days, is doing pretty darn well. They’re also doing good things on the auto front – we just bought a Blue Motion Golf V that only needs gas about once a month, so we went from spending about $200 per month on gas to about $50. That means our car will probably pay for itself before we get a new one.

The Bad:

Despite the good, it still isn’t enough. For those of you who haven't yet seen venture capitalist and environmentalist John Doerr talk about what has been done and what still needs to be done, I recommend it.

Coal companies seem to be spending their money marketing coal as "clean" rather than actually making it clean. In reality, not one American home today is powered by a coal-burning plant that captures and stores its carbon pollution. Coal plants are responsible for a full third of America's carbon dioxide pollution, the chief cause of global warming.

The Ugly:

A polar bear in the Nuernberg Zoo just ate her cub. You can’t tell me that nature isn’t seriously out of whack.

The Upshot:

Momentum is gathering in the right direction but we have to keep it going. It's not just about turning off lights and re-setting the air conditioner, although these things help. Let's face it, people aren’t going back to the dark ages where you rode a horse to the next town and read by candlelight. Some lifestyle changes are recommended because mindlessly and voraciously consuming stuff we don’t need isn't good for the soul. But what it really comes down to is having the convenience without the environmental spillover, which means investing in new energy and production technologies. And that will require flexing our political and consumer muscles.

Everyone's busy so here's a list of the easiest things to do, where I've tried to balance level of effort against positive outcome and/or cost savings. My husband has done a lot of research on this topic and each of these ideas has already been vetted by our household.

Join and/or donate to the Environmental Defense Fund or We Can Solve It. Al Gore is one of my heroes, right up there with Tina Fey. So, when he started wecansolveit.org I signed up right away. Sometimes I donate money to support a new ad campaign and when they ask me to contact my senator or write a letter to the editor I do it. I like them because they keep me informed and make it easy for me to voice my opinion to our political leaders.

Join the Sierra Club – they do good work and will even send you a voting cheat sheet so you know which candidates actually support a green agenda. I love that because it’s hard to figure out from all the political mumbo jumbo who’s actually green. Most rotten politicians aren’t considerate enough to announce that they hate the environment and want to personally kill every last polar bear – excepting Sarah Palin, of course.

Offset your household carbon emissions by purchasing wind credits – it costs a bit more ($15/month for an average family household) but gives the wind power infrastructure a chance to grow and stablize until the day we don’t have to do anything ‘extra’ to get clean energy. East Bay folks can pick up an easy application at Whole Foods.

Offset your auto emissions with Terra Pass. Terra Passes also make great Christmas gifts.

Change your light bulbs and hang your laundry – I saved over $100/month in electricity by doing this. $1200 per year savings will more than offset the minimal additional expense you incur for offsetting your carbon footprint.

Think about what you buy – plastic consumes a lot of power to produce and creates environmental spillover as well. Plastic toys, plastic water bottles, plastic detergent/milk/juice bottles. . . try switching to wood or paper products. Paper isn’t perfect but at least with intelligent planning it’s renewable and most importantly, can be reprocessed.

This is pretty heavy stuff so I'd like to leave you with a joke:

"President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up." --Conan O'Brien

And one more, slightly off topic:

A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night’s dinner on his way home. The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were. The produce guy didn’t know what he was talking about, so the husband said: “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?” To which the produce guy replied, “No, sir, you will have to do that yourself.”

John Doerr on Green technology

Check this out - it's important.