Ralf is in California for a week and I'm alone with the kids in a very snowy place. Between being sick and the constant snow, it hasn't been an easy week.
The other night I had a call with a really great customer. I scheduled it for 9PM, which is about an hour after the kids are usually asleep. They're good sleepers so this strategy generally works well. But for whatever reason, L couldn't sleep and pattered downstairs at 9:30PM. I ended up having to barricade myself in the bathroom to finish my call in peace. L cried for a bit then eventually went back to bed on her own. I ran up after the call to apologize and cuddle her.
Long after she forgets all about it my heart will still have a little chipped piece.
This morning I found a note from the teacher saying K's been late to school several times this week. I should have known, really. When it's warm the kids ride their scooters to school but in the snow they walk, which takes longer. But they leave at the same time. The older girls in the group can go a lot faster and they've been leaving K behind. Not her fault at all.
So, I was calculating how quickly I could get L dressed and drive K to school when the phone rang. It was another mom saying her kids were leaving early today. Perfect! I helped K into her boots and gloves and opened the door - only to find that the big girls had already left! I was about to go grab L to drive K to school in my bare feet when Kaye from next door ran back and grabbed K's arm to hurry her up. Yes! But no, K burst into tears.
Exasperated, I told Kaye to go ahead and pulled K back into the house angrily, scolding her for acting like a baby. I was angry because now I had to run to get myself and L dressed, go outside, scrape the car and drive her when she could have just gone with Kaye. It's one thing if she gets left behind, it's another if she bolluxes a perfectly good solution.
It all ended well with Kaye's mom driving both girls but I can still hear my own angry voice in my ears. All I want to do now is drive to the school, pull K into my arms, hug her very tightly and tell her how wonderful she is.
There's plenty of literature about how parents can damage a child with harsh words but none about the damage parenting does to parents, about how it breaks your heart a little bit every day when you aren't as perfect and loving as you'd like to be.
At this rate, my heart will be in ragged splinters by the time my beautiful girls grow up.
A heartfelt TGIF to all you multi-tasking mamacitas!